When we set out on a journey to achieve our goals and attain success, we often expect it to bring us happiness and fulfilment. However, more often than not, we are left feeling hollow and dissatisfied. This puzzling reality begs the question: why do we continue to chase after accomplishments that leave us unhappy? Let’s delve deeper into this universal struggle through a conversation that sheds light on the underlying emotions.
THE PURSUIT OF VALIDATION
During a coaching conversation with a client, the following dialogue unfolded:
Me: Why did you pursue your Ph.D.?
Client: I wanted to prove that I can do it.Me: Why do you feel the need to prove yourself?
Client: Because I want to show my Dad that I have achievements.Me: Why is it important to you to show that to your Dad?
Client: Because he once told me I would never amount to anything, and I want to prove him wrong.
UNRAVELING OUR NEVER-ENDING PURSUIT
The root cause of our relentless pursuit of accomplishments lies in our dissatisfaction with ourselves. From a young age, we might have absorbed the belief that we are not good enough, leading us to think that achievements define our worth. Consequently, we strive tirelessly to prove our value, seeking acceptance and approval from others.
Consider my client’s example: he pursued a Ph.D. not out of genuine desire, but rather as a means to validate his worth and gain his father’s approval.
WHEN ACHIEVEMENT BECOMES A BURDEN
When we fixate on proving ourselves, our focus shifts to performance and outcomes. We become consumed by the fear of failure, dreading the prospect of being labelled as failures ourselves. This burden becomes mentally exhausting, akin to the pressure experienced by Olympic athletes*.
Psychology professor Tom Gilovich explains this phenomenon, stating that reaching the pinnacle and playing not to lose is more stressful than striving to get there and playing to win. As illustrated by swimmer Mark Spitz’s anxiety before his seventh race in 1972, the fear of losing tarnishes achievements, leaving us feeling like failures.
CHOOSING FULFILMENT OVER ACCOMPLISHMENT
To alleviate this burden, we must shift our perspective and prioritise fulfilment over external achievements. By making choices aligned with our desires and authentic selves, we can embark on a meaningful journey, enjoying every step without fixating on falling short or meeting predefined goals.
Returning to my client’s story, had he pursued a Ph.D. to expand his knowledge and foster personal growth, he would have embarked on a fulfilling journey of discovery and learning.
CONTRIBUTING TO A MEANINGFUL PURPOSE
An additional source of fulfilment lies in helping others. By contributing our time, effort, or resources to those around us, we experience a sense of purpose and meaning. Witnessing our own growth and the positive impact we make in people’s lives deepens our satisfaction.
True fulfilment stems from living according to our own values and what genuinely matters to us.
WHEN OUR CHOICES MISALIGN WITH OUR VALUES
One significant obstacle to finding true fulfilment is succumbing to societal expectations and attempting to fit in. This often leads us astray from what truly matters to us, causing confusion and unhappiness. We can easily fall into the never-ending cycle of constantly striving for more achievements, never feeling satisfied or content.
A participant at one of my recent talks shared her experience of feeling empty despite a long list of accomplishments. Caught in this cycle, she found it difficult to relax and step away from her pursuits.
EMBRACING INHERENT WORTH
Ultimately, the bottom line is this: if we cannot find happiness and contentment within ourselves, no amount of external accomplishments will ever be enough. We must break free from living by others’ opinions and beliefs, recognising that our worthiness does not rely on validation from others or the achievements we accumulate. We are inherently valuable and wonderfully made.
In our quest for accomplishments, let us not lose sight of our true worth and the pursuit of fulfilment. By embracing who we are and making choices that align with our values, we can find joy in the journey, create a meaningful impact, and realise that we are enough.
Remember, the chase for accomplishments may lead to temporary highs, but embracing our inherent worth brings lasting fulfilment.
*SOURCE: From The Atlantic article Do Olympic-Level Achievements Make People Happy?